Ten weeks.

Ten weeks left to the end of 2019.

It hasn't been a great year, physically and mentally. And honestly, I broke down so many times. Like, I literally broke, inside-out. It's been a year of confusion, of mistakes, of heartbreaks yet of milestones, happiness and amazing travels.

Perhaps after all these years, the only way is to focus on the positive even if it's false.

Like how I should be thankful to be alive and breathing, how I'm healthy and I have the ability to be happy...

It's been a while since I wrote in this space and I'm not sure how to begin.

But let's just say, I'll start seeking help and I look forward to a healthy, happy and full me.

Ten weeks left to the end of this decade - let's make it a good one.

Sometimes you wonder if choosing to stay equates to stripping yourself from true happiness.
Sometimes you wonder if you aren't allowed to think about the what-ifs.

"What I truly respect about you is that you're not as practical as a common Singaporean. You think with your heart rather than your brain. You value people more than objects and that is a quality that is very rare in the society. I felt quite disappointed when you insisted that I call her a slut and all. It felt like you were giving in to darkness and I can't let that happen. I have to pull you out. It really pains me to see you like this.  But do know that I really do see your qualities, hence I am so determined on having a life with you, as you literally take my breath away with your moments of magic."


My heart, aches.


Feels like I've lost myself over the years, and I've lost so many people, and that one extremely special person.


It's not that life is bad currently. I'm, alright, and just thought I should reflect on myself this coming Christmas. Comparing Christmas to Christmas, I've changed way too much.


I don't think I value people as much anymore, and that sucks.


I guess, people do change. But then again, it's never too late to reverse a change, Even if you can never get people back once you lose them, you'll always have the capabilities to bring back qualities of yourselves that were great, but somehow got lost.


Let's make that the one and only resolution for 2019.


Oh yes, and to those few that still comes to this space for updates - thanks for being interested in my life. It's been a quite a crazy ride, evidently, but I'm getting better.


Here's to more heartwarming moments and happy writings.

Here.

It's time you realise that everything gets left behind once someone has given up. As much as you want to respect their decision of leaving you,  you got to learn to respect yourself too.

Like the tide, it comes and it goes. Like the waves, they always come crashing down at some point of time. The tide turns, the waves crash and everything gets washed ashore. Also, they often get left behind.

Think I'm dealing quite well with this.

And weirdly, I suddenly want you here.

I somehow wish to see you singing.

I somehow wish to know that you're happy, to know it for myself.

I somehow really want you to be happy.

And I haven't really thought of you in a while, a long while.

But it seems like, I've mentioned before, you're a flower in my dreams; never withers, never goes away, and somehow, lightly, quietly, you're always there. You're always here.

Quarter-life. Thoughts.

Been almost a year since I last wrote. Looking back, it feels like nothing really changed and everything sort of changed. It's such a conflicting feeling, to look back realising that somethings stayed the same and yet you know for yourself that there are huge changes, changes that aren't that obvious, happening deep down inside you. It's a queer yet pretty remarkable feeling. It keeps you curious, and you wonder what's going to happen next.

Who am I going to become next?

How am I going to be?

Am I going to improve or become someone worse?

You know, people often underestimate how misjudgments and words can hurt. Especially for someone highly sensitive yet extremely straightforward to whoever I trust. It hurts even more that people whom I trust actually do not trust me.

I know I'm not the most tactful person around. Weirdly, for someone good with words, with writing and with expressing opinions and feelings. I'm actually careless, and not the best at conveying my thoughts when I'm around people I trust.

I mean, do I have to craft out my words and language carefully, curating what I'm going to say with purpose if you're someone close to me? I mean, won't you know my character and trust me whole heartedly to be the person closest to my heart?

It really hurts, when the person whom you thought trusts you the most tells you that he/she actually don't.

I should be used to it. Perhaps I should change. But then again, I'm not sure who I should change into.

It feels scary to be someone who'e constantly framing and thinking back about their word choices. It feels like they can be fake and scary. But then again, I love sharing my raw thoughts even though I know they can be offensive (unintentionally) at times. I like the feeling of feeling free and speaking without judgements. I love it, actually.

But it seems like however I've been behaving is wrong. And I really don't know what to do. I was once proud of who I am because of my differences. Now, I'm just ashamed and lost.

Not the quarter-life crisis I was told to be prepared for.

I'm not lost. But I'm feeling like my existence and acquaintance may be a bane to others.