Everything in slow motion.

"You'll learn to treat hurts with love, you'll learn to treat anger with patience. You'll come to understand the beauty of putting yourself out there; the beauty of choosing to be weak and vulnerable. "

That's probably the best thing I've derived from all my emotional breakdowns over the past month. Weeks and weeks of tears, emotions, all rampaged up into one. To think I was strong enough to withhold everything to myself.

Nope, I gave way.

Where do I begin? From the moment I thought that I've found the one solution to everything, the one antidote to all my woes and worries. Or through the process when I realized that what is ideal to me may just not be of existence in this world anymore. I'm never a priority? Or I'm not going to be important to the least individual. I'm needed? Or am I someone to be thrown aside when my value is used up. I could go on with questions, rhetorical or not. Nobody would be able to give my answers of any sort.

For the past year, I've been battling with questions like those, fighting for an answer. I've been looking, searching for reasons behind behaviors; actions people do towards me, words thrown at me. I've been using all the positivism left within me in search for a reason, a belonging to calm my nerves heart down. In return, I become so sensitive, I cringe at the slightest touch, I doubt every intention, the moment someone pushes me off a seat, I feel as if I'm rolling down with an avalanche. One slightest mistake, I would wish to break a relationship into pieces, tainting it with scratches and marking it with every hurt I feel.

I thought being kind would help salvage people, salvage me. Instead, I was wrecking me, letting every insecurity people placed onto me seep through my skin and filled me up with emptiness of every sort. I ended up breaking myself into pieces.

What's most scary is that I look so happy on the surface.

When in fact I'm just an empty shell.

It is till now, I realized, no matter how much things I break, no matter how hard I fight, there was no answer to begin with. Things can't change overnight, well, even if they do, we can never control the direction change wants to head in.

There and there, we control how we think. This issue of mine can never be resolved, but I'm not letting it creep up on me.