Been almost a year since I last wrote. Looking back, it feels like nothing really changed and everything sort of changed. It's such a conflicting feeling, to look back realising that somethings stayed the same and yet you know for yourself that there are huge changes, changes that aren't that obvious, happening deep down inside you. It's a queer yet pretty remarkable feeling. It keeps you curious, and you wonder what's going to happen next.
Who am I going to become next?
How am I going to be?
Am I going to improve or become someone worse?
You know, people often underestimate how misjudgments and words can hurt. Especially for someone highly sensitive yet extremely straightforward to whoever I trust. It hurts even more that people whom I trust actually do not trust me.
I know I'm not the most tactful person around. Weirdly, for someone good with words, with writing and with expressing opinions and feelings. I'm actually careless, and not the best at conveying my thoughts when I'm around people I trust.
I mean, do I have to craft out my words and language carefully, curating what I'm going to say with purpose if you're someone close to me? I mean, won't you know my character and trust me whole heartedly to be the person closest to my heart?
It really hurts, when the person whom you thought trusts you the most tells you that he/she actually don't.
I should be used to it. Perhaps I should change. But then again, I'm not sure who I should change into.
It feels scary to be someone who'e constantly framing and thinking back about their word choices. It feels like they can be fake and scary. But then again, I love sharing my raw thoughts even though I know they can be offensive (unintentionally) at times. I like the feeling of feeling free and speaking without judgements. I love it, actually.
But it seems like however I've been behaving is wrong. And I really don't know what to do. I was once proud of who I am because of my differences. Now, I'm just ashamed and lost.
Not the quarter-life crisis I was told to be prepared for.
I'm not lost. But I'm feeling like my existence and acquaintance may be a bane to others.
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